Opinion

The holidays are a beloved time of year because we can gather with relatives from afar. But they’re dreaded for the same reason.

Many of us aren’t accustomed to socializing with people who think differently from us, especially about politics. Our political attitudes and beliefs are intertwined with our most basic human needs – needs for safety, belonging, identity, self-esteem and purpose – and when they’re threatened, we’re biologically wired to respond as if we’re in physical peril.

So how can you talk with people who disagree with you without setting off this fight-or-flight response? Drawing on extensive online dialogues with conservatives and my own background in psychiatry and political psychology, I developed a five-step method to help people have difficult conversations.

Across the country, members of my nonprofit group, Smart Politics, are using this process to heal relationships damaged in the wake of the 2016 election. Many report being able to discuss politics with family members for the first time in years.

The holidays are the perfect time for you to give it a try. Before the big day, practice discussing a couple of difficult topics with Angry Uncle Bot, a chat program created to help teach you the techniques.

Hey, it’s the Angry Uncle Bot 👴🏻

I have LOTS of opinions

But what kind of Uncle Bot do you want to chat with?

I’m more liberal, so I’ll chat with Conservative Uncle Bot

I’m more conservative, so I’ll chat with Liberal Uncle Bot

Select your reply

I’m more liberal, so I’ll chat with Conservative Uncle Bot

I’m more conservative, so I’ll chat with Liberal Uncle Bot

Karin

Great! Well, let me tell you something...

Trump has been great for America!

Just look at the economy, it’s booming 💥

Trump’s been good for the rich! 🙇‍

The jobs numbers are misleading ...

So how are you doing financially?

How would you reply?

Trump’s been good for the rich! 🙇‍

The jobs numbers are misleading ...

So how are you doing financially?

Unlike you liberals, I have no problem with the rich!

You don’t like them because Trump looks good #fakenews

Karin

Not a good choice. This argumentative response will turn the conversation into a debate where you and Uncle Bot seek to score points and “win” rather than learn from each other or collaborate to elucidate the truth. In addition, the exclamation point suggests scorn and exasperation which will make the Uncle Bot angry. The goal is to have a conversation, not fight. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. This will turn the conversation into a debate over facts and figures. That’s a problem because people tend not be persuaded by contrary evidence and may even end up believing more strongly in their original position. Try this response instead:

Good choice. The goal at this point is to start a conversation. The easiest way to do that is by asking questions – ones that are non-threatening, open-ended and non-leading.

Questions are powerful because they make people feel safe, demonstrate respect, gather useful information, contribute to understanding, elicit empathy, build relationships and encourage self-reflection. Asking people about their own experiences in a nonjudgmental way is an especially good opening because it gives them an opportunity to talk about a subject they care and know more about: themselves.

So how are you doing financially?

Karin

Good choice. The goal at this point is to start a conversation. The easiest way to do that is by asking questions – ones that are non-threatening, open-ended and non-leading.

Questions are powerful because they make people feel safe, demonstrate respect, gather useful information, contribute to understanding, elicit empathy, build relationships and encourage self-reflection. Asking people about their own experiences in a nonjudgmental way is an especially good opening because it gives them an opportunity to talk about a subject they care and know more about: themselves.

How am I doing?

Not that great actually 😒

… But things would have been worse under Hillary!

Why are you still talking about Hillary? That was two years ago!

What are your biggest economic hurdles right now?

Did your taxes go down under the tax cut?

How would you reply?

Why are you still talking about Hillary? That was two years ago!

What are your biggest economic hurdles right now?

Did your taxes go down under the tax cut?

We still need to #lockherup, that’s why

Taxes are way too high in this country 😠

Karin

Not a good choice. Your frustration is understandable, but criticizing Uncle Bot for perseverating on the 2016 election will just make him mad. Plus, by mentioning Hillary Clinton (even to say she is irrelevant to the discussion), you are keeping her at the center of the conversation. Try this response instead:

Good choice. Asking follow-up questions shows that you are listening to what the other person has to say. This makes them feel respected and heard. It also helps you gather additional information so you can better understand and respond to their perspective.

Not a good choice. Not all questions are created equal. This question has the disadvantage of being close-ended, which is likely to shut down rather than open up discussion. In addition, it sounds like a “gotcha” setup that might put the Uncle Bot on the defensive, especially if his taxes didn’t go down. One of the goals of asking questions is to make people feel safe. Try this response instead:

What are your biggest economic hurdles right now?

Karin

Good choice. Asking follow-up questions shows that you are listening to what the other person has to say. This makes them feel respected and heard. It also helps you gather additional information so you can better understand and respond to their perspective.

My biggest hurdles? Well...

No matter how hard I work

I can’t get ahead

I’m living paycheck to paycheck 💸💸

So you feel pretty insecure money-wise despite how hard you’re working

So the economy isn’t exactly booming, is it?

You know, Trump has actually made your situation worse 💸💸

How would you reply?

So you feel pretty insecure money-wise despite how hard you’re working

So the economy isn’t exactly booming, is it?

You know, Trump has actually made your situation worse 💸💸

Ughhh… I just can’t talk to you liberals

Wrong! Trump’s ACTUALLY made it better in so many ways, let me tell you...

Karin

Good choice. After Uncle Bot shares his point of view, it’s important to check and show your understanding by reflecting what you heard. Good reflections paraphrase what the other person said and highlight emotions. Truly exceptional reflections are met with, “Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Not a good choice. Smugly highlighting inconsistencies in Uncle Bot’s statements will make him angry and defensive, which will reduce his capacity for rationality, open-mindedness and empathy. If you want someone to hear what you have to say, you first need to make him feel safe. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. In general, talking about specific political figures gets in the way of productive dialogue. People tend to have very strong opinions about elected officials like Barack Obama, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton that increase reactivity and reduce rationality. In this conversation, your goal should be to move away from talking about the president. Try this response instead:

So you feel pretty insecure money-wise despite how hard you’re working

Karin

Good choice. After Uncle Bot shares his point of view, it’s important to check and show your understanding by reflecting what you heard. Good reflections paraphrase what the other person said and highlight emotions. Truly exceptional reflections are met with, “Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Yeah, I do feel insecure money-wise

And I dunno how long I can keep up

That’s why we need a stronger safety net, for people like you

That’s why you should have voted for Clinton

Things are tough for people like us. I’m worried about the future

How would you reply?

That’s why we need a stronger safety net, for people like you

That’s why you should have voted for Clinton

Things are tough for people like us. I’m worried about the future

I’m American 🇺🇸🇺🇸 so I can take care of myself without HANDOUTS 💰

I’d NEVER vote for her! Want to know why…?

Not that great really

Karin

Not a good choice. Although this statement may come from a place of genuine concern for the well-being of Uncle Bot, he will probably be insulted by the suggestion that he needs “help,” especially from the government. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. “I told you so” responses threaten Uncle Bot’s self-esteem and will turn this conversation into a fight. Plus, talking about the past will lead to relitigation of the 2016 election or tirades about Benghazi and missing email. Try this response instead:

Good choice. After you’ve shown Uncle Bot that you understand and have heard his point of view, it’s important to highlight areas where you agree. Agreement serves to eliminate residual defensiveness and demonstrates that the two of you are allies in the struggle to improve the economy. In general, it is easiest to agree about goals, values and emotions.

Things are tough for people like us. I’m worried about the future

Karin

Good choice. After you’ve shown Uncle Bot that you understand and have heard his point of view, it’s important to highlight areas where you agree. Agreement serves to eliminate residual defensiveness and demonstrates that the two of you are allies in the struggle to improve the economy. In general, it is easiest to agree about goals, values and emotions.

Yeah, it is tough

Things were easier for my parents

That’s because your parents were riding off the advantages of white supremacy

When I was a kid, I remember Dad going on a strike for better pay at his factory…

And Donald Trump isn’t doing anything to fix it

How would you reply?

That’s because your parents were riding off the advantages of white supremacy

When I was a kid, I remember Dad going on a strike for better pay at his factory…

And Donald Trump isn’t doing anything to fix it

So now you’re calling your own grandparents racist?

Trump’s doing so much... you’re just blind to it!

Karin

Not a good choice. This will make Uncle Bot apoplectic. Although not what you said, Uncle Bot will hear: “Grandma and Grandpa got where they were in life only because they were racists.” That’s because the two of you speak very different political languages, especially when it comes to the topic of race. Try this response instead:

Good choice. After you’ve expressed your areas of agreement with Uncle Bot, it’s time for you to share your perspective. The key to sharing persuasively is to present a story rather than an argument. In the words of Jonathan Haidt, “The human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.” Stories are powerful because they capture attention, transmit information, provoke strong emotions, elicit empathy and improve recall.

Not a good choice. Uncle Bot identifies with the president so strongly that attacks on Trump make him feel attacked too, making him angry and defensive. Try this response instead:

When I was a kid, I remember Dad going on a strike for better pay at his factory…

Karin

Good choice. After you’ve expressed your areas of agreement with Uncle Bot, it’s time for you to share your perspective. The key to sharing persuasively is to present a story rather than an argument. In the words of Jonathan Haidt, “The human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.” Stories are powerful because they capture attention, transmit information, provoke strong emotions, elicit empathy and improve recall.

Great! Well, let me tell you something...

We need Medicare for All 👨🏻‍⚕️

Health care is a human right

“Rights” are protections, they don’t force some people to pay for other people

Are jobs a “right” now? You sound like a Communist

O.K., can you tell me more more about that?

How would you reply?

“Rights” are protections, they don’t force some people to pay for other people

Are jobs a “right” now? You sound like a Communist

O.K., can you tell me more more about that?

We recognize lots of positive rights... right to counsel, vote, education, etc.!

Guaranteeing a basic standard of living is NOT the same thing as Communism

Karin

Not a good choice. Argumentative responses generate resistance and turn conversations into debates where participants dig in and seek to score points to “win” rather than learn from each other or collaborate to elucidate the truth. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. Telling people what they believe and why instead of asking them makes them feel unheard. When people don’t feel heard, they are more likely to fight with you or flee the discussion. Try this response instead:

Good choice. The most productive way to start a conversation is by asking questions – non-threatening, open-ended, non-leading ones.

Questions are powerful because they make people feel safe, demonstrate respect, gather useful information, contribute to understanding, elicit empathy, build relationships and encourage self-reflection. "Can you tell me more about that?" is an especially good opening because it expresses curiosity without judgment.

O.K., can you tell me more more about that?

Karin

Good choice. The most productive way to start a conversation is by asking questions – non-threatening, open-ended, non-leading ones.

Questions are powerful because they make people feel safe, demonstrate respect, gather useful information, contribute to understanding, elicit empathy, build relationships and encourage self-reflection. "Can you tell me more about that?" is an especially good opening because it expresses curiosity without judgment.

Say more about it? Sure!

No human being should go without health care

just because they can’t afford it

Well, how do you think we should fix this issue?

But it’s illegal for hospitals to turn people away because they can’t pay

If people are too lazy to work, it’s their own fault

How would you reply?

Well, how do you think we should fix this issue?

But it’s illegal for hospitals to turn people away because they can’t pay

If people are too lazy to work, it’s their own fault

But those people still get billed and bankrupted ... so many of them avoid seeking health care when they need it

Even working people often can’t afford health care

Karin

Good choice. Asking follow-up questions in response to the answer to your initial inquiry shows that you are listening to what the other person has to say. This makes them feel respected and heard. It also helps you gather additional information so you can better understand and respond to their perspective.

Not a good choice. Rebuttals reinforce the sense that you are on opposite teams. If you want people to listen to what you have to say, create an alliance by finding something to agree on before sharing your perspective. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. This response does not acknowledge the emotional content of the other person’s message and will be interpreted as a failure of empathy. It is likely to lead to frustration and moral indignation. Try this response instead:

Well, how do you think we should fix this issue?

Karin

Good choice. Asking follow-up questions in response to the answer to your initial inquiry shows that you are listening to what the other person has to say. This makes them feel respected and heard. It also helps you gather additional information so you can better understand and respond to their perspective.

How to fix it?

Many people can’t even afford medications or primary care

If we expand Medicare to include everyone

Those people can get the help they need

National health insurance is a disaster where it’s been adopted

America has the best health care system in the world. National health insurance would destroy that

So, you think the government has a responsibility to make sure every person has basic health care, is that right?

How would you reply?

National health insurance is a disaster where it’s been adopted

America has the best health care system in the world. National health insurance would destroy that

So, you think the government has a responsibility to make sure every person has basic health care, is that right?

No. National health insurance works in industrialized nations around the world.

Best health care system for people wealthy enough to afford it! For everyone else, it’s one of the worst systems.

Karin

Not a good choice. This response will turn the conversation into a debate over facts and figures. Debate is problematic because people tend not be persuaded by evidence and may even end up believing more strongly in their original position. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. This speculative response will turn the conversation into an argument over an unknown future. It is hard enough to reach agreement on established facts, harder still on things that might one day happen. Stick to territory that you can both speak on with confidence and authority – personal experience. Try this response instead:

Good choice. After Uncle Bot shares his point of view, it’s important to show your understanding by reflecting what you heard. Good reflections paraphrase what the other person said and highlight emotions. Truly exceptional reflections are met with, “Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

So, you think the government has a responsibility to make sure every person has basic health care, is that right?

Karin

Good choice. After Uncle Bot shares his point of view, it’s important to show your understanding by reflecting what you heard. Good reflections paraphrase what the other person said and highlight emotions. Truly exceptional reflections are met with, “Exactly! I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

A right to basic health care?

Yes, it’s a right

Everyday people die needlessly in this country because they can’t pay for medical treatment.

What about the people who can’t afford health insurance any more under the A.C.A.?

If people need help, they should rely on their community, not the government.

I agree that no one should have to go without medical care because they can’t afford it.

How would you reply?

What about the people who can’t afford health insurance any more under the A.C.A.?

If people need help, they should rely on their community, not the government.

I agree that no one should have to go without medical care because they can’t afford it.

That’s exactly why we need to expand the system – so those people are covered too.

If people’s communities were going to help, that would have already happened. Obviously the government needs to step in and pick up the slack.

Karin

Not a good choice. Whatabout responses are likely to trigger frustration and anger because they ignore the other person’s main point, making him feel unheard. Try this response instead:

Not a good choice. Argumentative responses are more likely to generate resistance. To communicate your message in a way that moves others, put it in narrative form. Try this response instead:

Good choice. After you’ve shown the other person that you understand and have heard their point of view, it’s important to highlight areas where you agree. Agreement serves to eliminate residual defensiveness and demonstrates that the two of you are allies in the effort to address problems with health care. In general, it is easiest to agree about goals, values and emotions.

I agree that no one should have to go without medical care because they can’t afford it.

Karin

Good choice. After you’ve shown the other person that you understand and have heard their point of view, it’s important to highlight areas where you agree. Agreement serves to eliminate residual defensiveness and demonstrates that the two of you are allies in the effort to address problems with health care. In general, it is easiest to agree about goals, values and emotions.

Really?

I’m glad to hear that we are in agreement about what a big problem health care is for the nation…!

… but the government should have nothing to do with health care

Did I ever tell you about the time ...

But ultimately people need to be responsible for themselves. We need to shrink government, not expand it.

How would you reply?

… but the government should have nothing to do with health care

Did I ever tell you about the time ...

But ultimately people need to be responsible for themselves. We need to shrink government, not expand it.

What? That’s a terrible idea!

That’s ridiculous... we need MORE government intervention and a BIGGER safety net

Karin

Not a good choice. When you follow an agree statement with a but or however, the positive effect of the agreement is undone and the other person goes back on the defensive. Try this response instead:

Good choice. After you’ve expressed your agreement, it’s time for you to share your perspective. The key to sharing persuasively is to present a story rather than an argument. In the words of Jonathan Haidt, “The human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.” Stories are powerful because they capture attention, effectively transmit information, provoke strong emotions, elicit empathy and improve recall.

Not a good choice. This tangential response expands the grounds for disagreement rather than building on areas where your views are aligned. As a result, it undermines progress made by your preceding statement and makes an argument more likely. Try this response instead:

Did I ever tell you about the time ...

Karin

Good choice. After you’ve expressed your agreement, it’s time for you to share your perspective. The key to sharing persuasively is to present a story rather than an argument. In the words of Jonathan Haidt, “The human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.” Stories are powerful because they capture attention, effectively transmit information, provoke strong emotions, elicit empathy and improve recall.

As you converse with the Angry Uncle Bot, you’ll notice a pattern. A handful of responses move the interaction forward while others make it halt or careen.

Successful responses are part of a five-step process that makes conversations with the Angry Uncle Bot (and real angry uncles) less polarized and more productive.

Ask

Listen

Reflect

Agree

Share

Reflect

Ask

Listen

Share

Agree

1. Ask open-ended, genuinely curious, nonjudgmental questions.

2. Listen to what people you disagree with say and deepen your understanding with follow-up inquiries.

3. Reflect back their perspective by summarizing their answers and noting underlying emotions.

4. Agree before disagreeing by naming ways in which you agree with their point of view.

5. Share your perspective by telling a story about a personal experience.

At the heart of the method is a simple idea: People cannot communicate effectively about politics when they feel threatened. Direct attacks – whether in the form of logical argument, evidence, or name-calling – trigger the sympathetic nervous system, limiting our capacity for reason, empathy, and self-reflection.

To have productive conversations, we first need to make people feel safe.

Most political conversations founder because challenges to our beliefs trigger our sympathetic nervous system.

The goal is ensuring people feel safe enough during political dialogues to avoid this. That way the rational part of their brains stays in control and they’re better able to hear, absorb and adapt to new information.

While it’s a powerful approach, it isn’t easy. It takes patience, tolerance and conscious engagement to get through all five steps. The method puts the burden for keeping the conversation calm on you: Not only must you not trigger the other person, but you must not get triggered yourself.

Given the challenge, it’s tempting to avoid political discussions in mixed company altogether. Why risk provoking your angry uncle when you can chat about pumpkin pie instead? The answer is that when we choose avoidance over engagement, we are sacrificing a critical opportunity and responsibility to facilitate social and political change.

Throughout American history, important strides were made because people dared to share their political views with relatives. The civil rights movement, the women’s movement, the antiwar movement, the gay rights movement, the struggle for marriage equality – all gained acceptance through difficult conversations among family members who initially disagreed vehemently with one another.

To improve political discourse, remember your goal isn’t to score points, vent or put people in their place; it’s to make a difference. And that means sharing your message in a way that people who disagree with you – including your angry uncle – can hear.

Want to try from the beginning?

Start again

Dr. Karin Tamerius is the founder and managing director of Smart Politics, a nonprofit organization that teaches progressives how to communicate more effectively across partisan divides.

The New York Times

Opinion |How to Have a Conversation With Your Angry Uncle Over the Holidays

How to Have a Conversation With Your Angry Uncle Over the Holidays